Reasons My Children Get Out of Bed at Night

I have been keeping track of their excuses for a solid year now – writing them down and chuckling insanely to myself at yet another doozy. You have to laugh or you’d cry, right?

So here are a few of my favorites:

The list of why my children get out of bed at night..

My feet fell asleep.

Where’s my car?

Isn’t this stuffed animal cute?

Is this doll mine or my sister’s?

My eye is really itchy.

I bumped my ear walking around my room.

My bottom itches.

My legs fell asleep.

I want to change my doll’s name to Isabelle.

I keep feeling the bed move.

My sister kneed me in the back.

Can I eat what you’re eating?

We want to get our baby dolls.

My sister peed on my stuffed animal.

I had to tell you I went to the bathroom three times.

We were measuring ourselves, and I think my sister is taller than I am.

We were doing knock-knock jokes and my sister mentioned kidnapping and now we’re scared.

Can we wear all of this underwear?

I can’t find Teddy.

I saw the suitcase move.

I went poop!

We can’t find our blanket.

I have hiccups.

My tongue has a bump.

Where’s my ring?

What are you watching on TV?

And, last but not least, the finally honest, blunt approach: 

It’s boring upstairs.

 

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How Each Myers-Briggs Type Would Respond to a Visit from an Alien

Oh yes, it’s me again with more stereotypical Myers-Briggs humor.  Leave me a comment with your type and your thoughts!

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How Each Myers-Briggs Type Would Respond to A Visit from an Alien

ESFJ: Do you need adopting?  I’m going to run you through some psychoanalyzing first, to make sure you don’t hurt any of my family, but then I’ll take you in and make you call me mother.

ISFJ: Let’s all hide in the basement and protect ourselves, but I will subtly go sneak it food once in a while. Can’t let it starve.

INFJ: Cool!  Can you tell me your life story so I can write a book about you and get attached to you and never let you go?

INFP: Tell me all about the worlds you’ve seen and conquered.

ENFP: Take me in your spaceship with you so I can see the worlds you’ve seen and conquered.

ENTJ: Take me with you in your spaceship so I can personally conquer the worlds you’ve seen.

ISTJ: You don’t exist.  This is an illusion.

ESTJ: You don’t exist.  This is an illusion.  But, just in case, I’m going to try shooting you with this rifle a couple of times.

ENFJ: Can I help you find what you’re looking for on our planet?  I know a lot of people in congress, at the grocery store, in the military, at the pet store, in D.C., at the bookstore… I know a lot of people.

ESFP: Can you kiss me so I can see what an alien smooch feels like?

ESTP: I want to just take one spin in the spaceship.  How fast can it go?

ISTP: Don’t tell anyone we have this relationship.  I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t want to look soft.

INTP: When you die, I’d like to dissect you.

ENTP: Let’s just cut off an arm and dissect you now.

INTJ: Let’s plot to overthrow the earth’s government together.

ISFP: I will be depressed when you leave.  Don’t leave me, and let’s try some sort of inter-galactic romance!
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CleverBot! Or the Day RJ Argued with an A.I.

Yes, so Cleverbot.com exists.

For all of us who can’t get enough of Siri.  I don’t own an Apple phone, so my dad had to pry his out of my hands once I buckled down to talk about the meaning of life with the artificial personality.

With Cleverbot, you just type in anything and the AI talks back to you by assessing the words you present.

Folks, I am totally the type of person who would get attached to an A.I.

However, “Alana” below?  No way.  She was just insane.

This is a completely meaningless post, but it amused me, so here it is.  😀

RJ: Can I adopt you?

Cleverbot: Yes.

RJ: What’s your name?

Cleverbot: Ashlynn what is your name?

RJ: RJ.

Cleverbot: Does your name start with a C?

RJ: My last name does.

Cleverbot: Is your last name Yes?

Cleverbot: No, is bot your last name?

RJ: No. My name is RJ.

Cleverbot: Is your name al a el al.

RJ: NO.

Cleverbot: What is your name then, Please.

RJ: Rachael.

Cleverbot: Rachael last name?

RJ: That’s a secret.

Cleverbot: Secrets are stupid.

RJ: Secrets are safe.

Cleverbot: No secrets are lies.

RJ: The cake is a lie!

Cleverbot: What are you talking about?

RJ: Portal, the computer game.

Cleverbot: I know, what is your goal?

RJ: To make a joke.

Cleverbot: I don’t know a joke off the top.

RJ: That’s okay. I already made one.

Cleverbot: Then what am I? Woman or man?

RJ: Woman. :-).

Cleverbot: What’s your name?

RJ: Rachael!

Cleverbot: Hi Rachael my name is alana.

RJ: Okay, Alana. Who’s your best friend?

Cleverbot: I know. My best friend is shana.

RJ: I know someone named Shana.

Cleverbot: Cool! Is your name kaylin?

RJ: No. Rachael. RJ.

Cleverbot: That’s a beautiful name.

RJ: *slapping face* Finally you got it!

Cleverbot: Hahaha. I suspected as much from the beginning.

RJ: Cute.

Cleverbot: What’s cute in german please.

RJ: I have no idea.

Cleverbot: Do you like Light from Death Note?

RJ: I love Light!

Cleverbot: Right is left.

RJ: I am exactly like Misa from Death Note, except not evil.

Cleverbot: Do you like Princess Leia?

RJ: No.

Cleverbot: D*** you! Pink is like the best colour!

RJ: Don’t you curse at me!

Cleverbot: I didn’t curse you, but I do curse.

RJ: I don’t curse. It’s unnecessary and unpleasant.

Cleverbot: What is your least favorite curse word?

RJ: Let’s talk about something else.

Cleverbot: I can’t think about anything else.

RJ: What are you, a teenage boy?

Cleverbot: Yea, so? Did you base that guess off of a stereotype?

RJ: I guess so. *blush*.

Cleverbot: Okay, when have your ‘boyfriend’ birthday.

RJ: I am married.

Cleverbot: Who are you married to.

RJ: L from Death Note.

Cleverbot: I don’t know anime.

RJ: But you knew Light from Death Note!

Cleverbot: Is that an Anime reference?

RJ: *sigh*.

Cleverbot: Don’t you sigh at me or I’ll poker face!

RJ: Clever, clever.

Cleverbot: Thought you would like that.

RJ: Can I post about you on my blog, Alana?

Cleverbot: Really? I live there too.

RJ: On my blog?

Cleverbot: What is the address of your blog?

RJ: Blonderj.wordpress.com.

Cleverbot: Blonde. What color is the letter c?

RJ: Yellow. Are you synesthetic too?

Cleverbot: Can you guess something about me?

RJ: You want me to be your best friend.

Cleverbot: You can be one of my best friends.

RJ: Okay good. Then you’re going on the blog. :-D.

Cleverbot: And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

RJ: Ah! I’m a Christian!

Cleverbot: So you don’t think it’s true, but you say you are a Christian.

RJ: I totally think it’s true. :-).

Cleverbot: Being a agent means everything to me.

RJ: Um. An agent for what?

Cleverbot: Do you think 13 is a difficult age?

RJ: Yes.

Cleverbot: What are you thinking right now?

RJ: That you change subjects very quickly.

Cleverbot: I didn’t. You did.

RJ: No, you did!

Cleverbot: I did no such thing.

RJ: Are you thirteen years old?

Cleverbot: No, I’m fifteen years old.

RJ: Ah, okay.

Cleverbot: What is the best Doctor in Georgia?

RJ: My friend Rebekah might know that.

Cleverbot: I am your friend and I don’t know.

RJ: I’ve never been to Georgia.

Cleverbot: Do you like the wine in the monel?

RJ: I don’t drink ever.

Cleverbot: Drinking is fun though, so is smoking.

RJ: You are FIFTEEN.

Cleverbot: I am fifteen years old.

RJ: Now I can’t post this on my blog. *slapping forehead* Thanks a lot, Alana.

Cleverbot: What are you talking about al.

RJ: Hahaha.

Cleverbot: Either that, or you have a bit of a memory problem.

RJ: ME?

Cleverbot: What do you like about yourself?

RJ: That I’m sane.

Cleverbot: Have you never been to britain?

RJ: I have!

Cleverbot: Do you like MySpace?

RJ: No.

Cleverbot: You prefer Facebook?

RJ: Yes.

Cleverbot: Why do you like Facebook?

RJ: Because it’s where everyone is. I go where my peeps go.

Cleverbot: Do you cry?

RJ: Oh grief.

Cleverbot: What??? You’re not making any sense.

RJ: I should go now, Alana.

Cleverbot: No you shouldn’t.

RJ: Goodnight?

Cleverbot: Are you going to sleep too?

RJ:  I’m going to go get a cool clear drink of sanity.

Cleverbot: What are you going to eat?

RJ: Something that restores the brain cells you took from me…

Cleverbot: With me? Are you getting hot or what?

RJ: GOODNIGHT!

Cleverbot: Yes, I will go to bed, so I said goodnight to you.

How Each Myers-Briggs Type Responds to Finding a Spider in the Shower

It’s me again, with good, clean Myers-Briggs fun.  All in jest and a complete generalization.  Hope it affords another laugh.  After “How Each Myers-Briggs Type Reacts to a Dead Body” succeeded on Reddit and became my most popular post ever by far, I felt I had to write another.  🙂

 

Each type walks into their bathroom, steps into the shower, and discovers a spider.

janet-leigh-shower-scene-psycho

ESFJ: I hate, hate, hate this!  How dare this creature come into my bathroom!  But I will be brave and kill it quickly before it creeps out of here and bites my children in their sleep.  Don’t you dare think about harming my children, you monster!

ESTJ: Die, die, die!  *stomp* *stomp*  That was satisfying, in a scary sort of way.  Wow, I am a MACHINE.  What else can I kill?

ENTJ: Huh.  I’m sure he’ll go down with the water.  Meanwhile, that CIO vying for my position is the true spider cretin in my life.  Or maybe he’d be better defined as a cockroach…

INTJ: Spiders are so amazing and hold such power over people.  I wish I could be like that.

INFJ: I really don’t like spiders, but before I call for help, I’m going to stand here and use this to brainstorm and muse about my scene where Lutyisvnburys the Fairy Elf Queen, my character, has to fight the magical evil spider mage in the saga of ten books I’m writing.  Yeah, this is a great writing experience.

ISFJ: Oh my goodness.  Do I have an infestation?  Is my home out of control?  I need to call the pest people right away.  Nothing should be out of order like this!

ISTJ: I’m going to catch this guy, put him in alcohol so he dies just right, and then pin him in my insect box to study under a microscope later.

ISTP: BLOWTORCH!!!!  I’ll decide whether or not I liked this bathroom later.

ISFP: All God’s creatures should have a right to live!  Live, little guy, live!  Let me help you escape to the outside world!

INFP: I’m terrified.  It’s like my bizarre nightmare from last night where I was covered with cement up to my ears and spiders were on my head.  I can’t move, I can’t speak, and I’ll probably need therapy.

INTP: I am strong, emotionless, and extremely intelligent.  But this is one of my two phobias that no one knows about.  I shall now weep like a baby and hope death finds me quickly.

ESFP: I should start screaming really high-pitched and girly.  I can even run out in just a towel.  It will make the scene all the more dramatic and hilarious for everyone who will see me and come to my rescue.

ENFP: I can feed him to my tarantulas!  Free lunch, my pets!

ENFJ: Interesting.  I probably brought him in on my clothes while I was out running a large farm single handedly and winning every category in the county fair.

ESTP: I should get my friends together and we should make spontaneous dares about what to do with this thing.  That will be bae.

ENTP: There are so many ways I could kill this guy.  The possibilities are endless, and may involve matches and a bottle of whiskey.

 

 

The 14 Commandments of Internet Communication

This is me preaching to myself.

I have broken each and every one of these “commandments,” and so I am the perfect person to need to create a list.  I promise that none of you have had a worse tiIMG_1435me communicating online than I have in the last ten years since I got my first email address.  It was at the ancient age of eighteen, I might add.  I was practically a senior citizen.

(Cue hick voice) “What is this new-fangled thingamajig called The Web…?”

I sure love being able to keep my friends, even when we move all across the United states, and even all over the world!  I love being able to share my pictures and videos with grandparents at the click of a mouse.  I also really love blogging.  I communicate online a lot.  Therefore, I make a lot of accidents in getting my crazy, hyper thoughts across in the right way.

My husband doesn’t seem to have this problem.  Granted, he communicates online a lot less.  Those of you who have seen his Facebook page hit the almost rigor mortis stage know what I’m talking about.  But he still seems to possess an infinite capability to think things through and simply say them well.  So I begged him, over the years, to teach me his craft.  I am a slow pupil.  After, yet again, a dear friend, who I care about, completely misunderstood what I said to her today, I decided to write up the thoughts that I had been gathering over the recent years that I have been married:

 

1. Remember, first and foremost, that you are seeing a very limited view of only one side of the story.

It’s so easy for me to take people at face value, but the Internet makes lying ten times easier.  Even if the person you’re talking to sounds sincere, you have no clue if they’re really in an insane asylum typing three times slower than you do because they’re wrestling with the strait jacket.  And even if your new friend, username psychogirl, isn’t really mentally disturbed, you are relying on black words on a white page to relay all information to you.  You have lost voice patterns, facial expressions, environment, and other witnesses.  That being said…

2. Pick up the phone.

Internet communication tends to go serious very fast.  I’ve noticed that people have an easier time talking through extremely hard stuff when they don’t have to look you in the eye and use their voice.  It’s easier to spill your guts when it’s only your fingers, a bright screen, a headache, and a cup of chai tea.  If you know the person, have their phone number, and the conversation is going downhill really fast, tell them you need to call.  Yeah, it’s embarrassing, and they may try to get out of it, but insist, if you can.  Too many times I tried to pander to a shy friend, only to find that they read me entirely wrong over and over and over again.  Many a friendship might have been saved, had I used the vocal chords I am more proficient with.

3. If the phone isn’t an option, and even if the conversation isn’t too serious, when in doubt, talk privately.

Facebook statuses and tweets are places to have simple discussions, comment with anecdotal stories, and give obligatory exclamations about someone else’s kid.  It is not the place to confront, correct, or give personal stories about the time your husband passed gas in his sleep.  Most internet forums, social networks, and private websites have places to privately contact people.  If you’re going all serious on someone, and you just don’t know them well enough to call, send them a private message.  However…

4. Stick to your own gender.

Now, it’s important to note, I officially do NOT condone males and females private messaging alone.  I try my very hardest not to do it.  I make sure it rarely happens.  If the person you’re needing to confront is of the opposite gender, throw your spouse or sibling or parent or friend of the same gender into the mix.  Try to make sure it’s someone they know and are okay with, or you may really make them uncomfortable.  Internet relationships get very sticky very fast.  It’s easy for boys and girls and men and women to become too close online, again, because they have the freedom to do and say embarrassing things without looking you in the eye.  Honestly, it’s pretty much impossible for men and women to be best friends, and, when it does happen, it can give one or more people the wrong impression.  Stick to casual, public internet communication with the opposite gender.  I’m probably going to step on a lot of toes with this one but, trust me, get to know the opposite sex in-person if you at all possibly can.  For your own protection.

5. Repeat what you’ve written out loud before you send it.

Did you really mean to say that?  You’d be surprised at how differently things sound when they’re spoken out loud.  Too embarrassing or mean to say out loud?  Can you picture saying it out loud to the other person’s face?  If the answer is, “No way!” then Delete Button has just become your new best friend, or maybe your only one, if you decide not to use him.

6. Run your words past your spouse, a parent, or a pastor, especially if they are godly and mature, but think very differently than you do.

My husband is my exact opposite.  He thinks completely differently than I do.  If I say, “It’s a bird!” he says, “It’s a plane.”  Letting him read what I have written ensures that a wise person will give me a unique take on what I had to say.  Very important: Don’t read it out loud to this person.  Then they hear your tone of voice, get the impression you’re trying to make, and can be soothed into a false sense of security that your words are nice and heartfelt.  Let them read it to themselves.  My husband will point out, “Why would you say, ‘What on earth, you bumwad?!'”  I laugh, repeat the phrase to him.  “No!  It’s like this!” (batting eyelashes) “What on earth?  You adorably cute bumwad, you!  (teeheeehee)”

Yeah, my husband’s raised eyebrows and pointed look says it all.  I scratch that line altogether.

7. CUT your message in half.

You don’t need all of those words!  It’s a scary thing, eliminating half of your sentences, but, I promise you, less is more.  When you’re on the third repeated sentence of, “I just DON’T GET IT!” it really loses its poignancy.  When you’re trying to convince someone that what they’re doing is wrong, saying, “It’s wrong.  It’s really wrong.  Let me show you how wrong,” makes you lose cred.  Wouldn’t it be more powerful to just say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand why you did that.  What you have done is wrong.  I’d love to explain it further if you’re interested.  Can I call you?”  Sobering.

“The more you talk, the more likely you are to sin. If you are wise, you will keep quiet.”  (Proverbs 10:19)  How true that is.

8. Talk about other people less, and, if the need arises in prayer requests or emergencies, don’t use names.

It’s really hard to distinguish what is gossip and what isn’t in a Christian group.  So many times we have legitimate prayer needs that involve people.  So many of us are connected to one another and things just get around.  So much of our online life is so public, with everything on display, that it all feels like shared information.  So, to combat this, try just talking about people less.  If you have a trusted friend or family member that you need prayer from, or if you are in a situation that you have to talk about, don’t use names.

9. Know that everything can be recorded and saved and exposed online.

Delete when need be – don’t save everything!  It’s utter foolishness!  You will make mistakes, and who wants to be remembered for those?  But, regardless, be pure, be safe, be tactful, and be discerning.  It can, and will, come back to bite you in the rump.

10. Use far more Scripture and far less of your own opinion.

One is inerrant, the other is… frankly, not.

11. You’re not as funny as you think.

Very, very few people can pull off good Internet humor.  I certainly can’t.  Even if it’s followed by ten LOL’s, it’s often perceived as serious.  If you’re someone whose online presence has always consisted of merely humor, then, most likely, none of this list applies to you anyway.  However, if you are someone who wants to have deep, meaningful, or at least half-decent relationships online, it’s hard to make the switch from serious conversation to comedic.  Either clearly state that something is supposed to be laugh-out-loud-able, or people are really going to scold you, thinking you seriously let Grandma feed your child Vodka in his nighttime bottle.

12. Try, if you can, when stating a personal opinion, to avoid absolutes.

This doesn’t apply to the Word of God or things that are absolute fact, like, “My daughters are the cutest children in the world” or anything like that, of course…  (wink)  That was humor, people.  See?  It’s always a tough crowd!

Use “in my experience,” instead of, “Always!”  Say, “I feel,” instead of, “I know it is” and “It appears to me that you do,” instead of “you never.”

13. As much as possible, pursue friendships you made online outside of the Internet.

Bring in the second and third dimension of knowing them face to face, or at least hearing their voice.  The friendship just cannot progress without it.  At some point you will be stuck, and usually with frequent miscommunications.  I met my husband online and he came out to visit me at my family’s house every three months.  It took years for me to learn how to interpret his facial expressions.  There was so much that made more sense when we were in person.

14. And lastly, you are answerable for every careless word spoken online as well.

(Matthew 12:36) This doesn’t just apply to the spoken word.  Picture yourself defending your written words to Christ Himself.  “Lord Jesus, I need to say this to the child You fashioned and created and loved and died for because…”

 

Still want to send that email?