My hand wavers over the screen
I eye the things calling out your name
I wish I could send them or buy them all
But I fear it’s too on the nose
The tomes you could read, mementos to gather
Communities formed with like-minded travelers
Who pilgrim through hardship just like you
Extend their hands and cry out! On the nose.
I want to say “No!” as piercing as a scream
And tell you things are not what they seem
But you’re as fragile as a thundercloud
And I’ll be thought of as too on the nose
All of my gift ideas and nonfiction books
The self-help articles and encouraging talks…
Is my love also too on the nose?
Or is it simply not enough?
Where is balance, who am I?
Am I seasoned veteran
Or backwards relic?
Does humility dictate I do nothing but ask?
Or do I limit my reach and my ministry?
Does all my legacy mean nothing
If it’s not modern and hip?
If in the arts one’s considered expired, only
After a decade; how do true seniors feel?
When I focus on beating down pride
And opening two ears while closing one mouth
Does this diminish my respect?
Where is the balance?
Your eyes don’t see what the world all sees
I think you believe multiple realities
How can you possibly twist and turn
Your mirror like it’s a messy butter churn?
You are so wrong, I can’t say it better
But not in every little letter
There’s enough truth to fool those that aren’t close
Your cross-eyed gaze won’t travel past your nose
So now all I want is to be perpetually right
It may look argumentative, my clenched fists tight
But the risk of seeing the world wrong even a bit
Means I could turn into you, so I stop and sit
And desperately turn the kaleidoscope round in my brain
My thoughts obsess like a one-way lane
I’m sorry I’m so desperate but I need accountability
Because my relationship with reality demands fidelity
Can’t contain it
I am not sovereign
Without a chance to say no
Trials, suffering, bad news
You’re going to allow
The dam to be breached
And quite a lot this year
I’ve never been promised a fortress
I’m not the sequestered princess
In this life
I’m the knight with flayed armor
So instead of praying for no dragon’s breath
Instead I pray for time
Give me the meadows, hours of joy
Then do what you will, my King
Give me time to polish my armor
Give me time to prepare with sleep
Hold back the droplets when my plans are precious
Still I submit on bended knee
Stepping off the platform into the abyss
I am a conqueror
Yet when I step back
You mock my nerves
You who have no idea how far I’ve come
The fathoms of change and growth
You know nothing
To you I will never be enough
A decade of laughter, sorrows and dreams
A decade of three new human beings
A decade of love, pride humbled and lost
A decade of following Christ and counting the cost
Started on an island, came full round
As we walk now hand in hand on sandy ground
Older, kinder, smarter, quiet
Feasting on a gratitude diet
Love ripened and mature
Hopes in the future, worries blur
Full of nothing but peace and grace
I never tire of gazing at your face
“I love you” has never been more true
I love doing life with you
Tragic, death, destruction, loss
Heaven or hell
Blood pressure high
Grief and elate
Then crash like a child
Through Narnia’s door
Slams back into England
Out of magic snow
To tedious normalcy
Boring life flow
Into little me
My problems average
My sorrows small
Never known pandemics
Or epic suffering at all
Does the soldier’s temper
Snap like a twig
Like a hurricane?
“Who are you?”
I’m not sorry
I haven’t been to outer space
Or a war-torn place
Does my scraped knee
And my friends’ fight
I could hear your perspective
But I haven’t lived through that mess
As I back away
Are you saying, “Just leave”?
You can’t have a muggle
For a friend.
I don’t get it
This is the end?
I’m not going to run
And throw myself to the flames
To be able to relate.
If you scoff at my tears that glisten
I guess all I can do
Is shut up and listen.