All the World is About Bacon

My oldest daughter, who’s eight years old, has extensive food allergies, so eating isn’t always a delight for her.  But she *can* eat bacon – and she does it with gusto.  It’s her favorite food on earth currently.  Yesterday she decided that really everything in life is about bacon, and we laughed ourselves silly coming up with reasons why.  Today we made this list for your viewing pleasure.

 

EVERYTHING IS ABOUT BACON

 

Knives – to cut the bacon

Forks – to lift the bacon to my mouth

Plates – to hold the bacon

Chairs – to sit in while eating bacon

Water – to wash the bacon down

Clothes – to stay warm while eating bacon

Clothes that are too big – to grow into from getting large eating nothing but bacon

Washers and dryers – to wash bacon grease off my clothes

Shoes – to wear to go buy more bacon

Cars – to drive to the store to get bacon

Houses – a place to cook and eat bacon

Closets – to hide in so no one sees me constantly eating bacon

Curtains – to hide the fact that I do nothing all day but eat bacon

Doors – to keep the bacon scent contained to one room

Parents – to cook my bacon

Siblings – to want my bacon

All other food – to give to siblings to eat instead of my bacon

Jewelry – to look stylish while eating bacon

Cameras – to take pictures of bacon

Social media – to post pictures of me wearing jewelry and eating bacon

TV – to show me commercials of yummy bacon

Microphones – to host podcasts where I talk about bacon or record music where I sing about bacon

Money – to buy bacon

A job – to work to get money to buy bacon

Trophies – to earn by winning bacon-eating contests

State fairs and amusement parks – to eat deep-fried bacon

People – to provide me with bacon

Trees – to give us wood to create barns to house pigs which give me bacon

Dirt – to grow the trees which create barns which house pigs who give me bacon

Pigs – Duh.  Bacon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crazy Cleo Talks to Tough Girl Noel – Text Convo Between Kara Swanson’s Character and Mine!

GUYS!  Kara Swanson just hosted the most epic conversation between my character, Cleo (from “My Fault”), and her character Noel (from “Skyridge”)  You have to check it out!  😀

 

So, I did a thing.

And it may have gotten a bit out of hand 😉

My friend RJ Conte wrote an amazing Christian rom-com called My Fault (link is here) and I loved her main character, Cleo, so much that I had this wild idea…

What if Cleo had a conversation with the main character from my Supernatural YA novel, Skyridge? Cleo is a bubbly, abstract chatterbox while my main character Noel is a sarcastic, intense young woman with wings who’s father happens to be a fallen angel. So when we set these two loose in the same texting conversation, some crazy hilarity ensued.

And yes, I probably should have added a filter, but characters tend to say what they do XD

Anyway, I hope you are as amused by Cleo’s motormouth as Noel is, and that you enjoy their conversation below! (Green is Noel’s comments, grey is Cleo’s responses 😀 )

 

 

READ MORE HERE

Reasons My Children Get Out of Bed at Night

I have been keeping track of their excuses for a solid year now – writing them down and chuckling insanely to myself at yet another doozy. You have to laugh or you’d cry, right?

So here are a few of my favorites:

The list of why my children get out of bed at night..

My feet fell asleep.

Where’s my car?

Isn’t this stuffed animal cute?

Is this doll mine or my sister’s?

My eye is really itchy.

I bumped my ear walking around my room.

My bottom itches.

My legs fell asleep.

I want to change my doll’s name to Isabelle.

I keep feeling the bed move.

My sister kneed me in the back.

Can I eat what you’re eating?

We want to get our baby dolls.

My sister peed on my stuffed animal.

I had to tell you I went to the bathroom three times.

We were measuring ourselves, and I think my sister is taller than I am.

We were doing knock-knock jokes and my sister mentioned kidnapping and now we’re scared.

Can we wear all of this underwear?

I can’t find Teddy.

I saw the suitcase move.

I went poop!

We can’t find our blanket.

I have hiccups.

My tongue has a bump.

Where’s my ring?

What are you watching on TV?

And, last but not least, the finally honest, blunt approach: 

It’s boring upstairs.

 

DON’T READ THESE BOOKS!

Here is a list of books you absolutely should NOT read.  Only a FOOL would read these books!  I’ll tell you why!  You can even click on the titles in bold to see what all the reviewers say about these DANGEROUS books!

The 12th Girl in Heaven

This book has kissing in it – and the couple does it because they’re dared to do so by a sorority! What is this teaching your college student?! Also, the book contains depictions of unwanted showers! I was horrified!

 

Angel-Lover

Teenage guy visits a church for the first time and feels like puking! What a message to give your teens going to church! Also there are sermons with passages from Isaiah! Who even understands Isaiah anyway? Plus, the blonde on the cover isn’t even an angel. What a rip-off!

 

 

Heartsick

Just too creepy. First girl doesn’t work out for the moody stalker guy. So he finds a second girl who looks like the first and tries again…

 

The Hotline Girl

The heartthrob is a burn victim, while the actual good-looking guy is an egotistical pervert. Who wants to imagine the kiss scene including a guy without lips? *shudder*

 

Lucent Sylph

A boy keeps an unclothed female alien in his room as a pet! So indecent!

 

Dashwood Avenue

It has teenagers running through a grocery store being chased by a guy with a gun! Too scary for your kids! Also, a girl gets called by the name of a vegetable the whole book! Just insulting!

 

A Bottle of Glass Hearts

Five stories – all of which make you cry?  Including one about a woman who gets to see all of her tears she’s ever cried in her lifetime, kept in a jar!  And a haircutter who stalks a young woman. Sick!  This one also has that nude alien fairy creature in it too.  Wow.  Unhappy stories with weirdos.

 

Gem

An entire planet grooms a little boy to die for them.  Who’d want to read about a group of psychopaths like that?!

 

 

Astound: Cultivating a Wonder and Love for God in Your Kids

And this one’s the very worst!  It calls your young sweet children wicked sinners! My poor innocent baby’s self-esteem!  Don’t read it!  Don’t be a fool!

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY, ALL.  😉  😉

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If Your GPS had a Personality Type…

If your GPS system had a Myers-Briggs personality type, she would say this:

 

ESTJ: You will arrive at your destination faster than everyone else in a burst of efficient machoism.

ENTJ: Pass the sucker on your left. It is probably an old lady who needs to eat your dust.

ENFJ: In 400 feet, stop and feed the homeless.

ESFJ: If you arrive late and make me look bad, I will never work for you again.

ISFJ: On your right, you will pass a building that has fond memories for me. Let me tell you about my childhood while you drive.

ISTJ: In 2.6543 miles, you will make a 75 degree angle to your left. In 2.6542 miles, you will make a 75 degree angle to your left. In 2.6541 miles…

INTJ: The route guidance wishes she could have planned these roads better. Do not take the Frontage road because it is badly designed by a nincompoop.

INTP: I will be completely silent and zone out and hope you do not miss a turn while I plan up your next route.

INFP: In a quarter of a mile, stop and park on the right. Please look up at the stars and enjoy them before continuing on your way.

INFJ: I will now provide an epic soundtrack for you to regale yourself with and use to daydream until the next direction is needed.

ESTP: I refuse to work in anything other than a motorcycle. Why are you in this lame minivan?

ISTP: I will shut up because you have a feeling you know your way around better than I could ever tell you.  And your journey will be far more amusing than following my directions.

ISFP: The architecture, on your left, is stunning. Please enjoy the buildings around you for their beautiful windows and lattices.

ENTP: I will now take you on a detour while you talk to the passenger next to you. The conversation’s more important than the drive.

ENFP: Commencing dropping windows, raising music volume, and encouraging you to wave at other drivers. This will better the world.

ESFP: Do you look cute? Does my voice sound cute? Do you drive a cute car? Oh, I hope the car is clean.

If a Bird Pooped on You…

Well, when I finish one book, I immediately start the next.  😀  That’s because, while
writing the end chapters on the last book, I’m already scheming the next one.

I have to write something different every time.  I’m not usually a series sort of gal.  I have to have variety and try new things.  But THIS time I’m going to attempt a trilogy.  A sci-fi trilogy.  A SUPERHERO sci-fi trilogy.

I’m scared.

Not sure I can do this!  It’s going to take me a while, and I only have three chapters rough-draft-written at this point.

But, thanks to Janeen Ippolito, a fellow author acquaintance of mine, I got to ask some great awkward questions of my new characters, in order to truly get to know them inside and out.

To introduce you to them, book 1 (or perhaps the trilogy itself) is going to

Slater and Olivia

be called The Depressers.  My superhero, Slater Khaven, is going to be an average computer software engineer with no special powers other than his sarcastic wit.

His girlfriend, the elusive, amazing, talented, savvy, tough as nails Olivia Gold, is actually dead by house fire at the very beginning of the book.  (No, no.  I didn’t get this mixed up with Heartsick!) and you learn, in flashbacks, what she was like and how she prepared and shaped Slater to be the superhero that he will be.

In a fit of sentimentality, Slater puts on Olivia’s contact lenses, the only surviving memento he has of her, and discovers a whole world only his girlfriend knew existed – of enemies he must fight.

In Myers-Briggs terms, Slater is an ISTJ.  Olivia is INTJ.

Here, I ask them super awkward questions.  😀

 

1. Would they wear the same clothes two days in a row?

Slater – Um… what’s wrong with that? I thought it was when you hit day 5… or wait. Was it day 7? that you had to change your clothes. Oh grief. Now all the ladies are going to think I’m gross. I DO change my boxers every three days. Or maybe every other. I don’t remember! I’m a bachelor and finally on my own! Do I HAVE to care? Man alive!”

Olivia – “Eh. I try. Sometimes I’m really busy and just can’t. I don’t sweat. I don’t stink. I’m practically perfect like that. Plus, my stuff’s all leather and nylon. That stuff breathes well. And I work at night. Yo, why are you asking about my clothes anyway? It’s none of your beeswax, idiot.”

2. What would they do if a bird pooped on them?

Slater – says every euphemism he knows under his breath. Makes sure not to actually curse, because he’s a Christian, but says everything else that’s as close to cursing as he can get. Scrubs it off with his hand… “Now wait, RJ. Come on! THEN I would change my clothes! You’re destroying my reputation here.”

Olivia

 

Olivia – Would burn the outfit. Or at least throw it in a dumpster as far away from her house as possible. Probably shoots the bird.

3. What would they do if they ended up with an unexpected pregnancy?

Slater – Goes into a reclusive state for a few weeks where he doesn’t eat or sleep and thinks through every aspect of his future and mourns the loss of his dreams. Then emerges and responsibly cares for his child. Ends up being a great and involved dad.

Olivia – Doesn’t agree with abortion, but is tempted by it. In a hardened state of mind, refers to the baby as “It” and “fetus” and assumes she’ll miscarry because she keeps up her nightly “crime-fighting.” Delivers the baby safely and becomes a total over-protective, nurturing sap. Growls at anyone who tries to touch her child.

4. Do they have any addictions?

Slater – “*sigh* Probably TV. Oh, and Girl Scout cookies. Star Trek… Oh, I’m definitely addicted to coffee. The internet? Gaming. Yes, gaming. Wow, I think I tend to be an easily-addicted person…”

Olivia – “My job. And Slater.” *huge grin that is strangely evil looking*

Slater – “Man alive. I would’ve said you, Olivia. I would’ve. I didn’t know we could list people. You know you’re my world…”

Olivia – *holds out a taser*

Slater – “No. Put that down, baby. DOWN, girl.”

5. Who would they die for?

Slater – “Anyone. I’d love to be a hero. Honestly, I’d die for a stranger on a bus if I needed to. I’d like to think that’s in my nature. My brother’s in the military, and I can be a quiet hero over here in Seattle.”

Olivia – “Anyone. It’s my life purpose, and I have a feeling it’s going to happen someday anyway. Being a protector is what I was born to do.”

 

 

Weird Facts About RJ Conte

Hello friends and readers!

Are you guys getting excited for Heartsick?  I am!  It’s my longest book – at over 80,000 words, and it’s currently getting a cleaning up.  After editing, I hope to have this baby out to you sometime January-February of next year.  I have a love for young people – especially Christian, homeschooled, “worldly-naive” young people.  Because I was one of them!  I hope my heart shows in Heartsick, which is a romantic suspense for 18+.  I love you guys, and your hearts mean a lot to me.  I hope God uses this book in each of your lives.  ❤

I thought, as a little addition, I would put out five interesting facts about the author.  I hope that getting to know me interests you more in my books, and helps us be friends even more.  Please leave any of your own questions in the comments, and I’ll answer them if I can!

1. I used to play softball and tennis.  I am NOT sporty, and was always a mediocre player in softball, but tennis I truly enjoyed.  I have good memories of softball, however, because I got to be on a team.  I’m 100% extroverted, and just loved the aspect of having a group of girls all rooting for eachother and working together.  🙂  I used that time to evangelize, make friends, and pray for the girls.  It was pretty special, even if I was stuck as an outfielder because my actual playing skills were so-so.  😛
2. I taught piano for ten years, taking a break when we moved to the pacific northwest in March of 2014.  I’ve recently taken up teaching again as my two daughters begin piano lessons with me.  🙂  Teaching piano kept me sane for the very lonely hours of writing I spent every week as a young adult.  I had to have people time to balance out the alone time.  Piano teaching was a joy, and I never got tired of it.  🙂
3. I think in full sentences.  This lends itself to writing, of course.  But, also, whenever anyone asks me, “What are you thinking?” I can spew it out in complete paragraphs at a moment’s notice.  I don’t think my brain is actually all that artistically creative.  It’s very black and white and neat and orderly.  Boxes of all sizes and black and white sentences.  At least synesthesia helps bring some color to my brain.  🙂
4. I respond to almost all of life with deep feels and obsessive thought.
   

   I even eat COOKIES passionately!

   Very few things don’t matter to me, and I feel strongly about everything (which can be exhausting).  I get attached to people and objects and houses and places and things very easily.  When I was younger, I was in a homeschool biology class where we took… mosquitoes?  They were bigger than mosquitoes, but they had wings… and we attached them, with clear nail polish to a microscope slide.  After class, I asked if I could take mine home.  I called him Dead Fred, carried him with me everywhere

   

   Me pretending to be a death-loving Goth while researching and writing Angel-Lover (see side bar of this page for url to Amazon)

   and petted him like a pet.  I stroked him so much, his head fell off, and I, still, to this day, in a box at the back of the closet, have a broken slide with a headless bug on it.  Someone should’ve given me a real pet.  Seriously.  It was pathetic.  I met new neighbors, the Hebdens, for the first time by shoving my bug at them and saying, “This is Dead Fred, my pet.”  It’s amazing Jennifer Hebden and I became best friends after that, and that she and her family didn’t run screaming. Yeah, I would NEVER be able to keep a Lucent Sylph alive…

5. I read a quote about someone “not quite being in love, but having a tender curiosity,” and I would say that is my outlook on the entire world.  I don’t fall in and out of love easily or anything, and I’m happily married, but I feel a loving, tender curiosity for all people – including you reading this now!  Please leave me a comment so I can get to know you.  🙂

 

I should also have news for you, in a bit, about The Hotline Girl and The 12th Girl in Heaven, both of which were picked up by Cleanreads.com, the publishing house, and should be out on the market again next spring – with brand, spanking new covers!  Excited to share!

How Each Myers-Briggs Type Responds to Endless Videos of Your Children on Facebook

It’s summer, and my brain’s on vacation.  I’ve got another serious post in the works, but it’s just not ready yet.

In the meantime, let’s stick to Myers-Briggs humor.  Always a hit.  😀  ALL IN FUN, PEOPLE!  No offense here.  This is just for laughs!  😀

Little Johnny can say his ABCs.  Emma has learned to count in Spanish.  You post a video of each.  Why not?  We all do it. 

But wait!  The very next day, Johnny has miraculously begun to speak Latin fluently, and Emma has started performing open-heart surgery on patients at the local hospital!  All at the tender age of seven and eight!  You just have to post again.  Six videos in a row won’t make your Facebook friends run like they were escaping a zombie apocalypse, right?  I mean, come on!  These videos are dynamite!

Here’s how your friends are responding, according to their Myers-Briggs type:

ESFJ – Posted the six videos of her kids to begin with!

INFJ – Has five minutes to upload a piece of art to Instagram, and then is private-messaging five people he’s having personal conversations with.  Doesn’t have time for your video at all, but has opened a tab to view later.  It makes him feel like a good friend, even though he’ll probably actually never watch the video.  He clicks “like” anyway.

ENFJ – Finally finds a library where she has Internet access.  Gets online and is confused by the new Facebook changes.  Sees nothing on her newsfeed but an inflaming political post from her third cousin.  Realizes, yet again, that she hates Facebook, she leaves.  Never sees your video, and wonders why you can’t email her the 385MB files personally so she doesn’t have to go find them.

ISFJ – Watches all of the videos faithfully, liking every single one, but leaving no comments.

ESTJ – Watches two of the six videos, and makes a wisecrack about your funny-looking pants in one scene.  Later comments your lungs must be getting worse because he can hear your breathing in every video.  How is your asthma?

ISTJ – Comments on a profile picture you have of yourself and says, “Nice hair.  How are the kids?”  You mention that you recently posted videos, and you gush, gush, gush about how he has to go watch them.  You never hear back from him.

INTJ – Clicks, “See less from this person.”

ENTP – Finds that ONE time Buzzfeed posted to your page without your permission, letting everyone know you took a “How hot are you?” quiz.  Likes that post and comments about an old movie she saw once where the word “hot” was actually an alien code word for an invasion.  Gives you the plot details.  You don’t reply.

INTP – Never uses his Facebook account.  Occasionally posts a one sentence status about work.  You are confused and can’t decipher it.

ENTJ – Says, “This is awesome” on one of the videos, and has already assessed what college your kid should go to and what career track would be right.  Says he is open to discussing it with you, but then vanishes offline for a week to go be productive.

ISTP – Comments on your choice of music in one of the videos.  Wants to discuss bands, and which song artistically goes with which selfie of herself she has recently posted.

ESTP – Comments, “Should be outside instead!  You’re keeping your kids cooped up doing academic things during summer?  Let them be kids, by golly!  They’ve got plenty of time to sit in school.  Seven years old and already your forcing her to study brain surgery?  Get a life, ESFJ!”

INFP – Emails you privately saying, “You’re a great mother.”  Never comments publicly on anything.

ISFP – Begs for more videos of you instead.  Writes with a lot of emoticons. “This is great and all, but I want to see more of YOUUUUUU!  🙂  🙂  🙂  ❤  Lol!!!  ❤  Remember how cute you were at Hannah’s wedding?  OMW!  OMG!”  You smile and *blush*, but are confused as to what that has to do with your kids.

ENFP – Is too busy posting pictures of her own kids’ various stitches to have time to watch videos.  Current status: “Next ER visit, here we come!”

ESFP – Does not have a Facebook account at all.  Is out living a real life.  Just appears in everyone else’s pictures with perfect hair.

Could YOU Keep a Lucent Sylph alive?

I’ve created a quiz on Playbuzz.  Take it and post your results!  Be vulnerable!  😀

Then share the quiz to spread the word about the free short story!

https://www.playbuzz.com/rjchhg10/could-you-keep-a-lucent-sylph-alive

How Each Myers-Briggs Type Would Respond to a Visit from an Alien

Oh yes, it’s me again with more stereotypical Myers-Briggs humor.  Leave me a comment with your type and your thoughts!

Don’t forget to sign up for my Facebook party here!

How Each Myers-Briggs Type Would Respond to A Visit from an Alien

ESFJ: Do you need adopting?  I’m going to run you through some psychoanalyzing first, to make sure you don’t hurt any of my family, but then I’ll take you in and make you call me mother.

ISFJ: Let’s all hide in the basement and protect ourselves, but I will subtly go sneak it food once in a while. Can’t let it starve.

INFJ: Cool!  Can you tell me your life story so I can write a book about you and get attached to you and never let you go?

INFP: Tell me all about the worlds you’ve seen and conquered.

ENFP: Take me in your spaceship with you so I can see the worlds you’ve seen and conquered.

ENTJ: Take me with you in your spaceship so I can personally conquer the worlds you’ve seen.

ISTJ: You don’t exist.  This is an illusion.

ESTJ: You don’t exist.  This is an illusion.  But, just in case, I’m going to try shooting you with this rifle a couple of times.

ENFJ: Can I help you find what you’re looking for on our planet?  I know a lot of people in congress, at the grocery store, in the military, at the pet store, in D.C., at the bookstore… I know a lot of people.

ESFP: Can you kiss me so I can see what an alien smooch feels like?

ESTP: I want to just take one spin in the spaceship.  How fast can it go?

ISTP: Don’t tell anyone we have this relationship.  I have a reputation to uphold, and I don’t want to look soft.

INTP: When you die, I’d like to dissect you.

ENTP: Let’s just cut off an arm and dissect you now.

INTJ: Let’s plot to overthrow the earth’s government together.

ISFP: I will be depressed when you leave.  Don’t leave me, and let’s try some sort of inter-galactic romance!
Like what you read?  Come check out my books here!